Joe Mama wrote:Shinkicker wrote:Well, I may be copping out but....I'm leaving my family for 3 months.
I'm stuck in a rut here. My boys don't listen to me. They don't seem to respect me. They don't help around the house. My 16 year old won't get a job. They 'yes sir' their dad and jump to do as he says. Yet he tells me to direct them ex. "have the boys mow the lawn tomorrow", etc
Don't get me wrong. They have their good points. They make excellent grades in school, get awards constantly, and don't smoke or do drugs. They have great manners and social skills around others. (They even try to get doors for women or older people in public.)
Everyone says "you have such great kids!"
Well yeah, but they need to be getting prepared to get the fuck outta my house.
I grew up without most material things so I want my kids to have everything. I've gotten myself to where I live paycheck to paycheck and keep dishing out the money. And my kids are expensive. Dating, rock climbing, work out equipment, travel, etc.
And their dad has hobbies that take up much of his free time. He Makes time for me but I always have to plan for it and set it up. Well, I've stopped doing that and I don't think he's even noticed.
And I can't seem to break the cycle. So I'm taking a travel assignment on the west coast for 13 weeks.
I'm either going to come home to a family that appreciates me or has decided they don't really need me.
We shall see. I'm ready for either.
I feel ya in many aspects man... I have my own (similar-ish) situation.
Currently my GF and I are cohabitating together - we are coming up on the 1 year living together mark.
So is her daughter... She is now 19 years old and boy what a struggle to get her to:
Get a license and start driving.
Get a fucking job.
Wake up sometime before 2 in the afternoon.
Do dishes (or ANY household chores)
Granted, she has shown signs of 'improvement' here and there she collectively seems to be perfectly content with having everyone else take care of shit FOR her. She has no plans to move out, get a better job, get an education etc. In fact her exact words were "I just want to take a year off after graduation before I do anything" My response was - who the fuck is going to carry you?
Fortunately her mom lit a small fire under her ass and made her get a (shitty) job but even now I question whether SHE has a plan to boot her freeloading ass.
I too may be in the same boat as you. The chinks in the relationship armor are starting to show elsewhere, but can be dealt with.
This whole succubus with an enabling helicopter parent situation might end up being a deal breaker.
Midlife crisis anyone?
I am a HUGE fan of taking a year off after highschool. And I think its important for a kid to take that year for whatever they need. If they go to post-secondary its likely the only breathing space they will get from Grade 1 to mid 20's. That's crazy imo, I always felt bad for kids who were hell bent on going straight to uni or college after high school.
I took 1 year off to go snowboarding and it was perfect. I went to Uni after that but I wasn't done yet I needed more time to think and grow and explore. I quit after 1 year and spent 3 more years rambling and thinking about life etc. Young folks who go backpacking etc I also think is super important.
Then when I finally went back to college I knew so much better who I was and what I was doing and why I was there, most of my classmates were straight outta highschool and man were they young and inexperienced
My honest suggestion is to give her that 1 year and let her be a kid at home for the last year of her life. Explain this to her, let her sleep in and suck off the teet for 1 year of peace, then its time to grow up and start making her own choices and finding how to be self sufficient.
Not easy for your situation though being the step-dad or whatever though. Have no idea where those lines are drawn or how you guys fit things together
Saw something last week that got me thinking but I lost the link. It was 2 quotes from 2 different writers of some fame
The first quote was advice to young folk, to listen to their parents, respect their experience and wisdom, to pay attention to older generations and try to learn from them. Honor your mom and dad etc. It was so poetic and moving, no one could disagree.
The second quote was advice to parents, to understand that our children are not us, and are growing up in a different time and world, and that what we have learned as the best path for us in life may not be what is best for our kids. To respect our kids, see them as unique individuals who will see and do things we cannot predict or imagine. It was so poetic and moving, no one could disagree
lol
which one is it? maybe both
parenting is hard.
My daughter is making some improvements but maybe we set the bar too high. I saw her the other day and realized just because she is a teenage and looks more adult-ish doesn't mean she is. She suddenly appeared to me like a little girl again, really not far at all from an age of total dependence. They want to make the leap fast but I don't think its fast, we should have more patience.
I think as parents we get anxious to retire lol we think our kids are almost 20 and thank god our role as parents are finally done and we can breathe again and start giving ourselves the love attention we sacrificed for 20 years. But its not over. They may move out and get a job but I think we should maintain that parental role as long as we can. Even if our kids don't see or appreciate, I think when a kid has that they know it deep down and it gives them more confidence and peace than we can imagine.
I fucked off at 16, but I think having that security that if things get fucked up I knew I had loving parents who would be there for me was a wonderful thing to have even though I never needed to cash it in.