The Parenting Thread...

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Re: The Parenting Thread...

Postby Masato » Thu Jun 27, 2019 4:18 pm

Joe Mama wrote:
Shinkicker wrote:Well, I may be copping out but....I'm leaving my family for 3 months.

I'm stuck in a rut here. My boys don't listen to me. They don't seem to respect me. They don't help around the house. My 16 year old won't get a job. They 'yes sir' their dad and jump to do as he says. Yet he tells me to direct them ex. "have the boys mow the lawn tomorrow", etc

Don't get me wrong. They have their good points. They make excellent grades in school, get awards constantly, and don't smoke or do drugs. They have great manners and social skills around others. (They even try to get doors for women or older people in public.)
Everyone says "you have such great kids!"

Well yeah, but they need to be getting prepared to get the fuck outta my house.

I grew up without most material things so I want my kids to have everything. I've gotten myself to where I live paycheck to paycheck and keep dishing out the money. And my kids are expensive. Dating, rock climbing, work out equipment, travel, etc.

And their dad has hobbies that take up much of his free time. He Makes time for me but I always have to plan for it and set it up. Well, I've stopped doing that and I don't think he's even noticed.

And I can't seem to break the cycle. So I'm taking a travel assignment on the west coast for 13 weeks.

I'm either going to come home to a family that appreciates me or has decided they don't really need me.

We shall see. I'm ready for either.


I feel ya in many aspects man... I have my own (similar-ish) situation.

Currently my GF and I are cohabitating together - we are coming up on the 1 year living together mark.
So is her daughter... She is now 19 years old and boy what a struggle to get her to:
Get a license and start driving.
Get a fucking job.
Wake up sometime before 2 in the afternoon.
Do dishes (or ANY household chores)

Granted, she has shown signs of 'improvement' here and there she collectively seems to be perfectly content with having everyone else take care of shit FOR her. She has no plans to move out, get a better job, get an education etc. In fact her exact words were "I just want to take a year off after graduation before I do anything" My response was - who the fuck is going to carry you?

Fortunately her mom lit a small fire under her ass and made her get a (shitty) job but even now I question whether SHE has a plan to boot her freeloading ass.

I too may be in the same boat as you. The chinks in the relationship armor are starting to show elsewhere, but can be dealt with.
This whole succubus with an enabling helicopter parent situation might end up being a deal breaker.

Midlife crisis anyone? :lol:


I am a HUGE fan of taking a year off after highschool. And I think its important for a kid to take that year for whatever they need. If they go to post-secondary its likely the only breathing space they will get from Grade 1 to mid 20's. That's crazy imo, I always felt bad for kids who were hell bent on going straight to uni or college after high school.

I took 1 year off to go snowboarding and it was perfect. I went to Uni after that but I wasn't done yet I needed more time to think and grow and explore. I quit after 1 year and spent 3 more years rambling and thinking about life etc. Young folks who go backpacking etc I also think is super important.

Then when I finally went back to college I knew so much better who I was and what I was doing and why I was there, most of my classmates were straight outta highschool and man were they young and inexperienced

My honest suggestion is to give her that 1 year and let her be a kid at home for the last year of her life. Explain this to her, let her sleep in and suck off the teet for 1 year of peace, then its time to grow up and start making her own choices and finding how to be self sufficient.

Not easy for your situation though being the step-dad or whatever though. Have no idea where those lines are drawn or how you guys fit things together


Saw something last week that got me thinking but I lost the link. It was 2 quotes from 2 different writers of some fame

The first quote was advice to young folk, to listen to their parents, respect their experience and wisdom, to pay attention to older generations and try to learn from them. Honor your mom and dad etc. It was so poetic and moving, no one could disagree.

The second quote was advice to parents, to understand that our children are not us, and are growing up in a different time and world, and that what we have learned as the best path for us in life may not be what is best for our kids. To respect our kids, see them as unique individuals who will see and do things we cannot predict or imagine. It was so poetic and moving, no one could disagree

lol

which one is it? maybe both

parenting is hard.

My daughter is making some improvements but maybe we set the bar too high. I saw her the other day and realized just because she is a teenage and looks more adult-ish doesn't mean she is. She suddenly appeared to me like a little girl again, really not far at all from an age of total dependence. They want to make the leap fast but I don't think its fast, we should have more patience.

I think as parents we get anxious to retire lol we think our kids are almost 20 and thank god our role as parents are finally done and we can breathe again and start giving ourselves the love attention we sacrificed for 20 years. But its not over. They may move out and get a job but I think we should maintain that parental role as long as we can. Even if our kids don't see or appreciate, I think when a kid has that they know it deep down and it gives them more confidence and peace than we can imagine.

I fucked off at 16, but I think having that security that if things get fucked up I knew I had loving parents who would be there for me was a wonderful thing to have even though I never needed to cash it in.

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Postby Masato » Fri Jun 28, 2019 1:39 pm

Masato wrote:I fucked off at 16, but I think having that security that if things get fucked up I knew I had loving parents who would be there for me was a wonderful thing to have even though I never needed to cash it in.


Actually that's not true, they did let me come crash when I was around 21. I had just ended a relationship with this girl and was broke as fuck and a little strung out. They let me stay at their house for a few months, helped me get organized to go to college etc.

Thanks M&D!

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Postby Masato » Sun Jun 30, 2019 1:50 pm

So my daughter went off to a 1-week summer camp with some friends up in the woods yesterday.

HUGE fight about he wanting to bring her phone.

I won, lol

She was really upset but that just proved to me how crazy addictive people/kids are getting with these things. Permanent attachments, withdrawl symptoms like junkies.

I am convinced however that she will grow more as a person and gain more peace and confidence up there without it. I was heartbroken to take it from her because I totally understand how much she would enjoy it and how she was looking forward to using it with her friends etc but when she finally left without the damn thing I felt really good and knew I did the right thing.

1 point for the Parents' Team :D

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Postby Joe Mama » Sun Jun 30, 2019 9:32 pm

Masato wrote:
Joe Mama wrote:
Shinkicker wrote:Well, I may be copping out but....I'm leaving my family for 3 months.

I'm stuck in a rut here. My boys don't listen to me. They don't seem to respect me. They don't help around the house. My 16 year old won't get a job. They 'yes sir' their dad and jump to do as he says. Yet he tells me to direct them ex. "have the boys mow the lawn tomorrow", etc

Don't get me wrong. They have their good points. They make excellent grades in school, get awards constantly, and don't smoke or do drugs. They have great manners and social skills around others. (They even try to get doors for women or older people in public.)
Everyone says "you have such great kids!"

Well yeah, but they need to be getting prepared to get the fuck outta my house.

I grew up without most material things so I want my kids to have everything. I've gotten myself to where I live paycheck to paycheck and keep dishing out the money. And my kids are expensive. Dating, rock climbing, work out equipment, travel, etc.

And their dad has hobbies that take up much of his free time. He Makes time for me but I always have to plan for it and set it up. Well, I've stopped doing that and I don't think he's even noticed.

And I can't seem to break the cycle. So I'm taking a travel assignment on the west coast for 13 weeks.

I'm either going to come home to a family that appreciates me or has decided they don't really need me.

We shall see. I'm ready for either.


I feel ya in many aspects man... I have my own (similar-ish) situation.

Currently my GF and I are cohabitating together - we are coming up on the 1 year living together mark.
So is her daughter... She is now 19 years old and boy what a struggle to get her to:
Get a license and start driving.
Get a fucking job.
Wake up sometime before 2 in the afternoon.
Do dishes (or ANY household chores)

Granted, she has shown signs of 'improvement' here and there she collectively seems to be perfectly content with having everyone else take care of shit FOR her. She has no plans to move out, get a better job, get an education etc. In fact her exact words were "I just want to take a year off after graduation before I do anything" My response was - who the fuck is going to carry you?

Fortunately her mom lit a small fire under her ass and made her get a (shitty) job but even now I question whether SHE has a plan to boot her freeloading ass.

I too may be in the same boat as you. The chinks in the relationship armor are starting to show elsewhere, but can be dealt with.
This whole succubus with an enabling helicopter parent situation might end up being a deal breaker.

Midlife crisis anyone? :lol:


I am a HUGE fan of taking a year off after highschool. And I think its important for a kid to take that year for whatever they need. If they go to post-secondary its likely the only breathing space they will get from Grade 1 to mid 20's. That's crazy imo, I always felt bad for kids who were hell bent on going straight to uni or college after high school.

I took 1 year off to go snowboarding and it was perfect. I went to Uni after that but I wasn't done yet I needed more time to think and grow and explore. I quit after 1 year and spent 3 more years rambling and thinking about life etc. Young folks who go backpacking etc I also think is super important.

Then when I finally went back to college I knew so much better who I was and what I was doing and why I was there, most of my classmates were straight outta highschool and man were they young and inexperienced

My honest suggestion is to give her that 1 year and let her be a kid at home for the last year of her life. Explain this to her, let her sleep in and suck off the teet for 1 year of peace, then its time to grow up and start making her own choices and finding how to be self sufficient.

Not easy for your situation though being the step-dad or whatever though. Have no idea where those lines are drawn or how you guys fit things together


Saw something last week that got me thinking but I lost the link. It was 2 quotes from 2 different writers of some fame

The first quote was advice to young folk, to listen to their parents, respect their experience and wisdom, to pay attention to older generations and try to learn from them. Honor your mom and dad etc. It was so poetic and moving, no one could disagree.

The second quote was advice to parents, to understand that our children are not us, and are growing up in a different time and world, and that what we have learned as the best path for us in life may not be what is best for our kids. To respect our kids, see them as unique individuals who will see and do things we cannot predict or imagine. It was so poetic and moving, no one could disagree

lol

which one is it? maybe both

parenting is hard.

My daughter is making some improvements but maybe we set the bar too high. I saw her the other day and realized just because she is a teenage and looks more adult-ish doesn't mean she is. She suddenly appeared to me like a little girl again, really not far at all from an age of total dependence. They want to make the leap fast but I don't think its fast, we should have more patience.

I think as parents we get anxious to retire lol we think our kids are almost 20 and thank god our role as parents are finally done and we can breathe again and start giving ourselves the love attention we sacrificed for 20 years. But its not over. They may move out and get a job but I think we should maintain that parental role as long as we can. Even if our kids don't see or appreciate, I think when a kid has that they know it deep down and it gives them more confidence and peace than we can imagine.

I fucked off at 16, but I think having that security that if things get fucked up I knew I had loving parents who would be there for me was a wonderful thing to have even though I never needed to cash it in.


While I cant say that I agree 100% with everything that you said here - it definitely did put it in perspective and definitely did help talk me off the ledge some. I too recall when I was that age and holy fuck... I was SOOOOOOOO much worse than them - the only thing I can say, (without tooting my own horn too hard) is I had/have a totally different head on my shoulders than them. This in conjunction with being really (really) fucking lucky, Ive turned out halfway successful. And yeah, now that I think about it, I was booted the week of my 18th B-day. (And was given 'help' but booted from the help again) But then came back to live when I dislocated my knee the month before I joined basic training.

I guess I was encouraged by the fact that my own kid was/is ignorant to the bad choice milestones that I was regularly indulging in at her age, and hope that she can continue on without having to go to the school of hard knocks like I did. (Mostly by choice) :oops:

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Postby Masato » Sun Jun 30, 2019 11:15 pm

Joe Mama wrote:
Masato wrote:
Joe Mama wrote:
I feel ya in many aspects man... I have my own (similar-ish) situation.

Currently my GF and I are cohabitating together - we are coming up on the 1 year living together mark.
So is her daughter... She is now 19 years old and boy what a struggle to get her to:
Get a license and start driving.
Get a fucking job.
Wake up sometime before 2 in the afternoon.
Do dishes (or ANY household chores)

Granted, she has shown signs of 'improvement' here and there she collectively seems to be perfectly content with having everyone else take care of shit FOR her. She has no plans to move out, get a better job, get an education etc. In fact her exact words were "I just want to take a year off after graduation before I do anything" My response was - who the fuck is going to carry you?

Fortunately her mom lit a small fire under her ass and made her get a (shitty) job but even now I question whether SHE has a plan to boot her freeloading ass.

I too may be in the same boat as you. The chinks in the relationship armor are starting to show elsewhere, but can be dealt with.
This whole succubus with an enabling helicopter parent situation might end up being a deal breaker.

Midlife crisis anyone? :lol:


I am a HUGE fan of taking a year off after highschool. And I think its important for a kid to take that year for whatever they need. If they go to post-secondary its likely the only breathing space they will get from Grade 1 to mid 20's. That's crazy imo, I always felt bad for kids who were hell bent on going straight to uni or college after high school.

I took 1 year off to go snowboarding and it was perfect. I went to Uni after that but I wasn't done yet I needed more time to think and grow and explore. I quit after 1 year and spent 3 more years rambling and thinking about life etc. Young folks who go backpacking etc I also think is super important.

Then when I finally went back to college I knew so much better who I was and what I was doing and why I was there, most of my classmates were straight outta highschool and man were they young and inexperienced

My honest suggestion is to give her that 1 year and let her be a kid at home for the last year of her life. Explain this to her, let her sleep in and suck off the teet for 1 year of peace, then its time to grow up and start making her own choices and finding how to be self sufficient.

Not easy for your situation though being the step-dad or whatever though. Have no idea where those lines are drawn or how you guys fit things together


Saw something last week that got me thinking but I lost the link. It was 2 quotes from 2 different writers of some fame

The first quote was advice to young folk, to listen to their parents, respect their experience and wisdom, to pay attention to older generations and try to learn from them. Honor your mom and dad etc. It was so poetic and moving, no one could disagree.

The second quote was advice to parents, to understand that our children are not us, and are growing up in a different time and world, and that what we have learned as the best path for us in life may not be what is best for our kids. To respect our kids, see them as unique individuals who will see and do things we cannot predict or imagine. It was so poetic and moving, no one could disagree

lol

which one is it? maybe both

parenting is hard.

My daughter is making some improvements but maybe we set the bar too high. I saw her the other day and realized just because she is a teenage and looks more adult-ish doesn't mean she is. She suddenly appeared to me like a little girl again, really not far at all from an age of total dependence. They want to make the leap fast but I don't think its fast, we should have more patience.

I think as parents we get anxious to retire lol we think our kids are almost 20 and thank god our role as parents are finally done and we can breathe again and start giving ourselves the love attention we sacrificed for 20 years. But its not over. They may move out and get a job but I think we should maintain that parental role as long as we can. Even if our kids don't see or appreciate, I think when a kid has that they know it deep down and it gives them more confidence and peace than we can imagine.

I fucked off at 16, but I think having that security that if things get fucked up I knew I had loving parents who would be there for me was a wonderful thing to have even though I never needed to cash it in.


While I cant say that I agree 100% with everything that you said here - it definitely did put it in perspective and definitely did help talk me off the ledge some. I too recall when I was that age and holy fuck... I was SOOOOOOOO much worse than them - the only thing I can say, (without tooting my own horn too hard) is I had/have a totally different head on my shoulders than them. This in conjunction with being really (really) fucking lucky, Ive turned out halfway successful. And yeah, now that I think about it, I was booted the week of my 18th B-day. (And was given 'help' but booted from the help again) But then came back to live when I dislocated my knee the month before I joined basic training.

I guess I was encouraged by the fact that my own kid was/is ignorant to the bad choice milestones that I was regularly indulging in at her age, and hope that she can continue on without having to go to the school of hard knocks like I did. (Mostly by choice) :oops:


What parts did you not agree with? I won't argue, I love to hear different perspectives and experiences on parenting. Not 100% confident on most decisions in this department, open for critique :D if you think I'm seeing something skewed call me out. That's what this thread is for we can bounce things off each other. All parents are a bit blind lol

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Postby Joe Mama » Mon Jul 01, 2019 11:47 am

Masato wrote:
Joe Mama wrote:
Masato wrote:
I am a HUGE fan of taking a year off after highschool. And I think its important for a kid to take that year for whatever they need. If they go to post-secondary its likely the only breathing space they will get from Grade 1 to mid 20's. That's crazy imo, I always felt bad for kids who were hell bent on going straight to uni or college after high school.

I took 1 year off to go snowboarding and it was perfect. I went to Uni after that but I wasn't done yet I needed more time to think and grow and explore. I quit after 1 year and spent 3 more years rambling and thinking about life etc. Young folks who go backpacking etc I also think is super important.

Then when I finally went back to college I knew so much better who I was and what I was doing and why I was there, most of my classmates were straight outta highschool and man were they young and inexperienced

My honest suggestion is to give her that 1 year and let her be a kid at home for the last year of her life. Explain this to her, let her sleep in and suck off the teet for 1 year of peace, then its time to grow up and start making her own choices and finding how to be self sufficient.

Not easy for your situation though being the step-dad or whatever though. Have no idea where those lines are drawn or how you guys fit things together


Saw something last week that got me thinking but I lost the link. It was 2 quotes from 2 different writers of some fame

The first quote was advice to young folk, to listen to their parents, respect their experience and wisdom, to pay attention to older generations and try to learn from them. Honor your mom and dad etc. It was so poetic and moving, no one could disagree.

The second quote was advice to parents, to understand that our children are not us, and are growing up in a different time and world, and that what we have learned as the best path for us in life may not be what is best for our kids. To respect our kids, see them as unique individuals who will see and do things we cannot predict or imagine. It was so poetic and moving, no one could disagree

lol

which one is it? maybe both

parenting is hard.

My daughter is making some improvements but maybe we set the bar too high. I saw her the other day and realized just because she is a teenage and looks more adult-ish doesn't mean she is. She suddenly appeared to me like a little girl again, really not far at all from an age of total dependence. They want to make the leap fast but I don't think its fast, we should have more patience.

I think as parents we get anxious to retire lol we think our kids are almost 20 and thank god our role as parents are finally done and we can breathe again and start giving ourselves the love attention we sacrificed for 20 years. But its not over. They may move out and get a job but I think we should maintain that parental role as long as we can. Even if our kids don't see or appreciate, I think when a kid has that they know it deep down and it gives them more confidence and peace than we can imagine.

I fucked off at 16, but I think having that security that if things get fucked up I knew I had loving parents who would be there for me was a wonderful thing to have even though I never needed to cash it in.


While I cant say that I agree 100% with everything that you said here - it definitely did put it in perspective and definitely did help talk me off the ledge some. I too recall when I was that age and holy fuck... I was SOOOOOOOO much worse than them - the only thing I can say, (without tooting my own horn too hard) is I had/have a totally different head on my shoulders than them. This in conjunction with being really (really) fucking lucky, Ive turned out halfway successful. And yeah, now that I think about it, I was booted the week of my 18th B-day. (And was given 'help' but booted from the help again) But then came back to live when I dislocated my knee the month before I joined basic training.

I guess I was encouraged by the fact that my own kid was/is ignorant to the bad choice milestones that I was regularly indulging in at her age, and hope that she can continue on without having to go to the school of hard knocks like I did. (Mostly by choice) :oops:


What parts did you not agree with? I won't argue, I love to hear different perspectives and experiences on parenting. Not 100% confident on most decisions in this department, open for critique :D if you think I'm seeing something skewed call me out. That's what this thread is for we can bounce things off each other. All parents are a bit blind lol


Nothing major broheem - just the whole 'go ahead and take a year off' thing is the part I cant get over. I guess its partially based on how I was raised (yes, I fucked up and made LOTS of mistakes) but I don't think I was ever absolved of responsibility completely. From my perspective, the (step) is VERY content to let the world go on around her and let everyone else 'take care of everything'. Zero ambition, zero drive, zero initiative. (except to eat - she most certainly wont miss a meal!) And that is frustrating. She has 'ideas' of what she *might* want to do one day, but is doing nothing to work towards or achieve that goal. I can only *hope* that one day it clicks and she gets a fire lit under her ass to do something different.

And again - NEITHER of our philosophies are a one size fits all. My flesh and blood daughter is a stark contrast of my (soon to be) step daughter, although they both seem to be afflicted by the lazy gene. My own daughter has 'ambitions' and 'goals' but Im starting to question her dedication and seriousness. Your mouth says one thing, your actions say something entirely different. But even a half hearted effort is still an effort, and in some sort of minimalist fucked up way thats better than nothing at all.

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Postby Shinkicker » Tue Jul 02, 2019 10:36 am

An elder with all kids grown and out of the house told me her secret. She said once they hit 16 she started being a total bitch so they couldn't wait to get out.

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Postby Shinkicker » Tue Jul 02, 2019 10:42 am

My son got His coveted job at Walmart yesterday. I went with him to the interview (at their request for a parent present). I sat off to the side and kept quiet. He did so good! When they asked if he had any questions, he was prepared and sounded so professional!
I was so impressed. Apparently they were, too. He was first told that the GM would call him for a second interview but as we were leaving, they paged him overhead to return. They had went and got the gm. He hired him on the spot.

*happy dance*

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Postby Shinkicker » Tue Jul 02, 2019 10:46 am

However, later he said to me, that he would tell them he could work on Tuesday and Thursday so he could wrestle Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I said, "No, son. You work whatever they schedule you and tell coach you will wrestle on your days off." Smh

Kid still feels like they are the lucky ones to have him. Lol

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Postby Joe Mama » Tue Jul 02, 2019 3:08 pm

Ugh... My heart and head is kinda hurting right now, and well - I need to stay true to my course of "Its your life, I can't lead it for you... You are going to have to learn this shit on your own."

But yesterday I spoke to my daughter in regards to her enlistment into the USMC. (Here is a brief backstory)
She enrolled in the MCJROTC her freshman year in HS and took the class all the way til her 2nd semester of Senior year. Over the summer of Junior Year (at 17) she decided to go into the DEP (delayed entry program) of the US Marines. Upon graduation from HS (and now being 18) she was slated to ship to basic training 1 month sans graduation.
Then came the IST (Initial strength test) before shipping to boot camp. She failed. She failed the upper body, and the run. For females the standard is : Flexed Arm Hang - 12 seconds - 35 Sit Ups (2 Minutes) - 1 Mile Run - 10:30.

This then meant that she was no longer shipping to basic training as initially planned. We kind of (assumed) that they would give her a chance to retake the IST and ship at a later date. Nope...
She was discharged from the DEP due to the fact that she had been in it for more than a year without shipping out. (And not meeting the basic requirements)

What is her 'plan' now? Good question... From what little information I could pull from her, she is going to the gym now to 'work on her upper body strength'. When asking 'whats next?' She has no clue. No idea if she can restart the DEP program/process, no idea on *how* or *what* she needs to work on to make this happen, no *goals*. I mention the fact that the Navy would probably be a better choice (and have said this ad nauseum) but she outright refuses to even go and talk to them.

The worst part about this, is I have seen the writing on the wall for some time with her and well I hate to have to tell myself - you were right all along. I still hold out hope that she is going to 'prove us all wrong' but I seriously don't see that happening. She truly is her own worst enemy (even some of her drill instructors have said this) It just frustrates the fuck out of me as I have made ridiculous efforts (over the years) to ensure that you are NOT this, and you would have every opportunity to succeed. But as long as you keep 'giving yourself a way out' your focus on what you *say* you want will never happen.

So, the facts are currently:
You have no contract.
You have no plan.
You have no job.
The child support to your mother has dried up.
Things are going to change in your world here shortly. For better or worse - something is going to happen. And you might not like it.


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